


The Silence Within

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Drama, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Romance, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-12
Updated: 2005-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-27 05:05:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12074085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian and Justin struggle with their hidden fellings/secrets, while they embark on a journey to discover themselves and each other. Reviews would be appreciated, as this is my first fic... thanks





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

He is standing at the far end of the of the dance floor watching me. He loves to make me watch, possessing me with those blue eyes. Those eyes, such beauty, he is one if not the only thing in my life that I can say is perfect inside and out. I have tried it countless times in the past, trying to find ways to get rid of him, to tell myself that he was wrong for me, but every time I find a fault, I find ten other things that are absolutely amazing about him. Ted suddenly interrupts my thoughts. .

Hey Brian, what are you doing?  
What the hell does it look like I’m doing Theodore, I’m having a fucking drink and wish I didn’t hear your annoying voice right now.   
Very funny Brian, if you wanted me to leave you could have just said so. I don’t particularly like your rude sarcasm.  
I look at him with a stern face, my silent expression telling him that I wanted him to go away. As soon as I manage to get rid of him, I notice Justin pulling a trick into the back room.   
I know it’s unusual for me but for some reason I feel really strange; it’s weird because I know we have an open relationship and that he sees people just as much as I do… Well not quite as much, but he’s no angel. But to be honest, I have never really seen him with anyone if I am not along with him, he only fucks tricks in the backroom when I am with him; this would have to be the first.   
Before I have time to think about what I am doing, I feel my hand on Justin’s hair dragging him out of the back room; and out of Babylon. He’s yelling at me, his fingers are digging into my flesh. I push him into the car, and look at him just once, enough for him to know better than to make any sudden movements. We sit in silence for most part of the ride. I look at him, he’s looking out the window. 

Hey!! Justin!!  
Look at me you fucker. Don’t give me the silent treatment. 

What the fuck was that about Bri!!  
What were you thinking, you treated me like a child, I am not one of your fucking tricks, don’t you ever do that to me again. 

I know; I should tell him I’m sorry, that I didn’t know what the hell came over me, but that would be like me telling him I was jealous, and that is definitely not something I am ready for right now. So instead I do what I usually do best, I invert the situation. 

You asked for it you twat!!.. Shit!!! I should not have said that, it came out of my mouth before I could stop myself. 

His eyes are on me now they are a bit teary and I’m just hoping that he doesn’t have a breakdown. To my surprise, he says nothing; he just lays his head back against the car seat and stays that way until we reach the loft. 

My unexplainable and obvious uncontrollable rage has been reoccurring more often than I would like; it started when Justin left for Hollywood, not having him around put me at unease, I used to feel a lot of discomfort, and would easily get agitated with everyone even Lindsey and Gus. I never acted this way towards my own son; I love having him around, which is why my behaviour is unexplainable. I know that it was not fair for me to be making irrational pre-supposed assumptions, but for some reason I kept thinking back to the whole Ethan disturbance, and I could not help but feel vulnerable, imagining Justin betraying me again. I used to call him constantly, inquiring about where he went, who accompanied him. At times he would feel that something was bothering me, and confronted me about it, but in true Kinney fashion I dismissed the question and proceeded to change the question. The one thing I like most about Justin is that fact that he knows when to stop, he knows better than to push me to get the answer.

When he returned to the Pitts after two months of blissful Hollywood culture, he seemed different, I couldn’t quite point it out, but he was definitely missing something; the something that made him glow. I didn’t really bother to question him, cause I knew if I were in his situation I would not have wanted to be bothered either. I was extremely excited that day, despite my effort to show it. Fore the first few weeks, we could not keep our hands off each other. I had not realized how much I missed him until he left. I fucked him, like I did after the bashing, devouring every part of his body. God he’s so beautiful, his body pleasures me in every way. I don’t think there will ever be a day when I would be tired of fucking him, kissing him , rimming him………

I am suddenly brought back from my thoughts from the loud honks of cars behind me. I sped up trying to make it to the loft as soon as possible.


	2. The Silence Within

The ride up the elevator is quiet. We keep our distance. He hasn’t looked at me once, and I don’t blame him. His face is completely flushed; I can only imagine what is going through his head right now. 

 

He does a good job at maintaining his composed when in fact I know he’s fuming on the inside. I undo the lock and as soon as we step into the loft he walks straight into the bathroom, closing the door. 

 

I don’t attempt to go after him. I give him his space, trying to regain my own thoughts. 

 

I think to myself … what am I going to tell him. Should I start with the fact that I think he is cheating on me? Or that I don’t approve of his tricking. Better yet, I should just come straight out and tell him I’m jealous, jealous because I don’t like others touching him the way I do. Jealous because I want all of his attention. Jealous because I want him to be mine and only mine. 

 

In honesty I know I will never tell him these things. I know this is what he wants to hear, but what I will never say. It is the fucking monster in me. The negative energy passed on to me by my ruthless parents, they have made me what I am today, my egotistical selfish self. I sigh in frustration. 

 

My attention is drawn back to the bathroom door, he hasn’t come out yet. It has been almost an hour. I wait for another ten minutes before I knock at the door. I call his name once, “Justin.” 

 

Then I say it a bit louder for the second time. I don’t get an answer. I put my ear to the door but cannot hear anything, not a sound, The shower isn’t running so I know he has already cleaned up. Luckily, I know how to open the lock from the outside. 

 

I successfully manage to do so, and step inside. I slide the shower down and open and my body instantly freezes. There he is crouched up towards the corner with all his clothes still on, entirely wet. 

 

I quickly step inside and reach for him. He is facing away from me. I try to grab his arm, and see what I had not seen earlier. His wrists are all red and they look as though they have been bleeding. He’s been scrubbing them all this time. 

 

I know that he will struggle if I try to get him to stand up, so I lean down and lift him in my arms. I wrap a towel around him then carry him to the bed. He’s shivering uncontrollably as I remove all his clothes and cover him up with blankets. Then I undress myself and join him under the covers. He has his back towards me, and even though I cannot see him, I know he is crying. I turn him around. 

 

“Justin!” I say quietly.

“Look at me, is this because of what I did today?” He doesn’t say anything. 

 

“Look I am sorry, I don’t now what came over me. You know I respect you, I would never hurt you. You are free to fuck whoever you want. We have an agreements and I should have respected that.” 

 

He is staring at me, tears are still flowing from his eyes. It breaks my heart to see him this way. The only other time I have seen him cry is the night I broke his heart when I told him it was only a fuck, it was that same night that changed my life forever. 

 

He hasn’t cried in front of me ever since, not even after the bashing, there are times when I feel he is holding it back. Like whenever I fuck men in our bed he tries his best to refrain from showing any kind of emotion, when in fact it breaks his heart. 

 

I know he doesn’t like it, but he doesn’t say anything, and it’s probably for the best, since every argument about my tricking ends up nowhere. 

 

I look at him and he still hasn’t said anything. 

 

I ask him again, “What is it?” 

 

“It’s not you Bri” He speaks softly. 

 

Okay good, I think to myself, he’s not mad at me. He’s talking to me, and I want him to keep talking, to get him to calm down. 

 

“Then what, what happened??” 

 

He’s holding on to me now, I pull him closer, our foreheads are together. I look into his eyes. I mean really look into his eyes. He brings his lips to mine. _Oh God!! Why did he do that, now I am never going to find out what’s bothering him._ I pull him even closer. I know we’ve bridged the gap and there’s no more space between us, but I hold him tighter, try to bring him near. 

 

We are kissing, and his mouth is cold against mine, but I don’t care. I touch his face, trace the outline of his jaws. Let my hands travel up and down his back. His body is slowly returning to its normal temperature and I’m glad. I continue to rub circles on his back, while still kissing him. 

 

I slide my tongue into his mouth, explore every inch of it, and he’s not fighting me for control as our tongues work in harmony. He feels so good, the simple act of kissing has never felt so good with anyone else. I suddenly realize he has stopped kissing me and he’s looking at me. 

 

“Justin, what wrong?” 

 

“Brian, can I ask you something?” 

 

I tell him “Yes, anything” 

 

“Would you ever leave me if I did anything you didn’t approve of?” He looks so sad. 

 

“What are you talking about, what did you do?” 

 

Now I’m starting to worry. What happened in Hollywood? Did someone hurt him and if anyone did, they are definitely going to pay. 

 

“Brian just tell me you won’t leave me. Just tell me” 

 

“Okay!!” I tell him to help calm down. “I won’t leave you. I’m right here. If you did something wrong, I’m sure you didn’t mean for it to happen. Look at me. I’m right here I’m not going anywhere.” 

 

This was definitely an unexpected night. I thought my actions were unaccounted for, but now it’s all focused on him. I have never seen him this way, not since the bashing. I am stroking his hair to comfort him. I usually do this when he gets nervous, it’s almost an unconscious effort. I want to whisper sweet words to him, to comfort him the best I can but it truly is a struggle for me to get any kind of romantic words out. 

 

“Justin, just tell me.” 

 

“Brian make love to me, I don’t want to feel this way. Please, I want you inside me.” 

 

He doesn’t have to ask me again, I turn him around, so he’s on his stomach. I kiss my way down his back. I am as gentle as possible. I may not be able to put what I feel into words, but I can show him how much I care with the way I hold him, touch him. 

 

I hear him moaning my name, I turn him, so he’s facing me. I tell him “I want to see you.” His legs are already on my shoulders. I grab the lube and slowly insert my fingers, first one than two slowly in and out. 

 

“Brian hurry, I need to feel you.” 

 

I am instantly inside him, it’s warm. Every nerve in my body is responding to his touch, it’s absolute bliss. 

 

I take it slow at first, gently move my body up and down, he is moaning my name over and over which turns me on ever more. He is begging me to go harder, and pushes his body anxiously into me. I want to be slow with him right now, but I guess that’s not what he wants. He wants it hard and fast, to get rid of what he’s feeling. 

 

I push as hard and as fast as I can, ramming my dick in a synchronized motion. I bring my hand to his cock, and start stroking it as he brings his hand over mine and guides me just the way he wants it. 

 

I know he is reaching his climax, cause his body clenches and he holds on to me tight, he releases first, and I cum right after him. We fucked three times that night as I gave him what he wanted a fast release, so he didn’t feel anything but me, and each time was better than the first. 

 

In the morning I am the first to wake up. I turn onto my side and he’s not there. I walk into the bathroom but he’s not there either. In that instance I was so afraid, my mind seemed to be temporarily frozen. I was expecting the worse. I though he might have gone and done something to himself. Even though I know Justin would never do something careless, but I have never really seen him act this way, and at this point I feel like the outsider. Before I reach for the phone to call his mother, I hear him call me. 

 

“Bri!! I’m in here.” 

 

I walk into the living room. There he is lying on the couch all curled up at one corner. He was crouched so low, which is why I did not see him earlier. He looks so innocent, so beautiful. I make my way to the couch, and stand over him. I just watch him. 

 

“What are you looking at?” he asks me. 

 

“You.” 

 

“What’s there to look at?” 

 

I want to tell him everything. That it’s always satisfying for me to look at him. Instead, I kneel on the floor so I am facing him. I touch his face, and he holds onto my hands. I try to draw it away but he doesn’t want me to pull away. I kiss his forehead and ask him. 

 

“Justin did something happen in Hollywood? The way you acted last night scared me. I have never seen you act this way. You know you can talk to me if something’s bothering you just let me know and we can deal with it together. Look. If you don’t want to tell me, then at least talk to Daphne or your mom. I’m not going to pressure to tell me, you can do it at your own pace.” 

 

He doesn’t answer me. I sit up on the couch and he immediately moves onto my lap, his arms are around my neck. He’s staring at me, which he’s been doing that a lot since last night. He brushes his lips over my eyes, then my ears; he trails down to my neck and finally brings them to my lips. We kiss for a while and then he just lays his head on my shoulders. We stay in that position for about half an hour, until my leg muscles begin to cramp, so I lift him up and I see he’s fallen asleep, I carry him to the bed laying him down gently, trying not to wake him up. He needs to rest, he was crying most of last night, I could hear him, but I pretended I was asleep, I didn’t want to make this situation any worse, and decided not to push anymore. 

 

It’s 11:00am, I realized I promised Lindsey I would meet her today. I write a brief note to Justin, just in case he wakes up and does not see me around. I leave it on the kitchen counter, and quickly get dressed. It takes me a good 10 minutes and I’m out of the loft.

* * *

Author's Note: I'd like to thank my wonderful beta (Juliet), for being so kind enough to take the time to work with me. thanks.


	3. The Silence Within

Author's Note: Thanks Juliet, your the best beta ever. Love ya

* * *

I meet Lindsey at the Diner, were supposed to discuss potential schools to enrol Gus in this year. 

 

I wanted this day to be about my son. I was so happy to experience this with him. 

 

He’s already going to senior kindergarten, and in another year he’ll be in first grade. 

 

Each year as he grows older, I am reminded of my passing age. The fact that time is not waiting for me. That I cannot hold on to my unreasonable obsession with vanity forever. I can do the best to conceal any sign of imperfection, but soon all these commodities will not be able to help me from what is a natural process of progression. 

 

I notice it’s started to rain. I hate days like these. The sky gets all grey and shadowy, any sign of enthusiasm is taken away by the murky atmosphere. 

 

I try to ignore the weather and remain eager but it’s hard to avoid the situation at hand, the person that I have left at home. 

 

I stop at a traffic light, my windshield wiper is moving back and forth. I stare at it intensely trying to distract myself. The entire ride there I keep thinking about Justin, trying to imagine what could have possible gone wrong in Hollywood. 

 

I know it has nothing to do with me, even though I did act like a total prick. It could not have been about the movie being dropped that I know he was upset about it, but it definitely would have not made him so clingy. 

 

I stare straight-ahead not wanting to get into an accident. It takes me about 20 minutes to get to the diner. I make my way inside and see Lindsey is already there. She is one of the most punctual people I know and I like that. It’s better to be early than late, it shows signs of professionalism. 

 

I want to wait before I tell her about Justin, but I just wanted to get it out that very instance. It is these moments I cherish having a friend like her. I could not confide in anyone else with the exception of Mikey, but there are only certain things I can tell him, and those things surely do not include Justin. 

 

Despite the fact that he tries to maintain their friendship, I know its only for the purpose of the comic and at the moment Mikey learns that Justin may have betrayed me in any way he turn on him faster than anything can move. 

 

We are seated towards the far end of the diner, I did that intentionally so that no one could ease drop on our conversation, but who the fuck was I kidding. With Debbie around I will never be able to keep this silent. Sure enough, she doesn’t miss a second before she’s at our table. 

 

“Hey Honey!!” she greets Lindsey. 

 

“Where has this beautiful face been hiding, how come I don’t see you here as often?” 

 

“Deb, I’m in here four days a week.” Linds always surprises me, she never disrespects Deb, and she cares for her as she does her own mother. And I don’t blame her, Deb was there for her more often then her own parents were. 

 

“I know but it’s still not everyday.” Deb proclaims 

 

‘Here we go again,’ I think to myself. Deb just loves drilling people. She knows Linds has too much on her hands, yet she still finds the time to come to the diner. Deb’s never satisfied. 

 

“How’s my little Gus doing?” she asks 

 

“He’s doing great, he’s going to senior kindergarten this year.” 

 

Deb looks extremely surprised, as though this is this most shocking news she’s heard all day. Her face is cringed, I don’t know if it’s excitement or just disappointment. I look closely at her apron, it surprises me how she manages to get all those pins on there. She has a new one on it says, “Love it or hate it”, I wonder what she’s referring to. If it’s herself she’s talking about it definitely applies, cause she’s a character. You either love her for all she is or you hate her for what she is. 

 

I look up, as they are still talking. 

 

“ I can’t believe it, kids these days are growing up so fast, look at my own son. Now that he’s settled down with Ben he doesn’t find the time to come and see his own mother.” 

 

“Brian where the fuck has he been? Tell him he better get his ass to see me, or I’m gonna drag it down myself.” 

 

She taps my head, I hate it when she does that. It was fixed perfectly now it’s all ruffled. I bring my hand up and smooth the edges. 

 

“I don’t know Deb, he has his own life you know, we don’t hang out all day long, and maybe you should let him have his own space for a while.” 

 

“Don’t be a smart ass,” she tries to bring her hand to my head once again, but this time I see it and dodge it. 

 

“How could I, when you do it so much better?” I reply, with a noted stroke of sarcasm. 

 

She finally takes our order, I ask for a large cup of coffee in hopes that it will give me the energy I need to sustain through the day. Linds gets a glass of orange juice, and a muffin. I wonder if she’s on a diet, I don’t bother asking, but continue with what I was saying about Justin. 

 

“Linds I don’t know what to do, I don’t want him to hurt himself. You should have see how badly his arms were bruised, they were red to the point where I thought they were going to bleed.” 

 

“Bri, I think you should talk to his mother, she has a right to know what’s going on in her sons life.” 

 

“He doesn’t want to talk to me about it, what makes you think he’ll be willing to open up to his mother.” 

 

I frown at Lindsey’ suggestion, she knows how it was with Justin. After the bashing he had an extremely difficult time opening up to anyone, his own mother came to me looking for help. I was the only one he was comfortable around. It was **me** that brought him back for the dark place he was in. 

 

“He may not like it Brian, but at this point you should do what’s best for him, whether he likes it or not.” 

 

I know Lindsey’s trying to be helpful, but she doesn’t know what it’s like to feel alone. I went through this dark stage; and even though I don’t know what’s truly going on with him. I can relate. I’m just thankful that he’s letting me in the slightest bit. 

 

Debbie brings our stuff over. I take a sip of my coffee not even flinching at the scalding effect it has on my tongue. Deb’s looking at me, waiting for me to make a remark. I know she’s intentionally doing this, she’s still upset because I didn’t tell her Justin was back and because I refused to tell her about Mikey’s whereabouts’. At this point, I don’t really care; I ignore her not wanting to listen to her rant. 

 

I continue my conversation with Lindsey, and try to forget Justin for the moment…. 

 

“So, do you have any choices, or are we just wasting our time?” I ask 

 

“As a matter of fact I do. There are three choices; St. Thomas, St. Duns tan’s or St. Patrick’s.” 

 

“What the fuck?” I say it quickly enough so she knows I am taken aback. 

 

“What? ” she asks 

 

“Where the hell are you sticking my son? What’s with all the Christian schools? Are you trying to push him into becoming a priest?” 

 

“Brian just because these are Christian schools doesn’t mean they will drill him with harsh religious principles.” 

 

“Well then why don’t you explain it to me, since I don’t fucking understand why you could not have picked any of the other schools that didn’t start with St.” 

 

“If you should know, these schools have good foundations, they are some of the best schools in Pittsburgh. Don’t you want the best for our son? Be grateful that I even came to ask for your approval. I had to argue with Mel, trying to make her understand why it was important to discuss this with you. She felt this was not your concern that you wouldn’t even care.” 

 

She pauses, waiting to get a reaction from me, then she continues… 

 

“And you know what it seems she was right.” 

 

“ Jeez Brian, can’t you ever fucking agree on anything others have to say. Do you always have to have an opinion? Do you always have to have it your way?” 

 

I am fuming right now, but I try not to show it. “Last time I checked it was a free country.” I shout this out with as much force as I can. 

 

“Well you know what, you can keep your opinions to yourself. I don’t fucking care what you think. These are my choices and I’m enrolling him into one of them. You can go and dig yourself into a hole for all I care.” 

 

I want to argue with her. I really do. It’s what I do best, but right now I am drained, I didn’t get enough sleep last night and this coffee didn’t do shit for me. However, I still manage to gather some energy to tell her what was on my mind. I couldn’t let her get away just like that. 

 

“Linds, why the fuck did you want to meet with me, if you weren’t going to listen to what I had to say. And for your fucking information, I do care about my son. So, why don’t you go and tell that cunt, to stop putting words into my mouth. I do care about where he goes. I don’t want my son being told that his parents are sinners, I don’t want them changing him, drilling him with negative information. And no matter how much you try to avoid it you know they will treat him differently. You know I’m telling you the truth.” 

 

“So wake up and smell the fucking coffee, cause not everything is perfect, like you and Mel make it out to be.” 

 

I tilt my head from side to side trying to unwind the knots in my neck. My muscles are cramped, my head is pounding, and I need a fucking joint. 

 

She’s fuming; her eyes expand at my revelation. She’s breathing heavily. What the fuck did she expect me to say, he’s my son, and I’m gonna protect him from all the homophobes out there. I’m counting the seconds before she storms out of the diner. She gets up, ruffles her skirt, trying to stay the extra few seconds to see if I apologize. She knows well enough that she’s not going to get one, so she leaves, and I’m left sitting alone, but only for a minute before Debbie effortlessly joins me again. 

 

“Alright spill.” 

 

She’s eager to know what happened just now. 

 

“Spill what?” I ask, I’m just as eager to get rid of her. 

 

“Don’t be a smart ass.” 

 

“I’ve told you before, I leave that to you.” 

 

“Brian what was that about?” 

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

 

“Of course you do, cause I’m sure it was your fault why she went storming out, without even saying bye to me.” 

 

I sigh in frustration; Deb is not making this day any easier for me. 

 

“Is that why you came here, cause she didn’t say bye? Well!! Why don’t I say it for her? Bye Deb.” 

 

“Now will you PLEASE leave me alone?” She’s blankly staring at me, she probably thinks I’m going to change my mind and tell her everything. 

 

“Alright, I just came to tell you, that I am having a welcome home party for Justin, everyone’s gonna be there. It’s next week. Make sure he comes, and I better see your face there as well.” 

 

“Now if you so desperately want me to leave, I will.” 

 

“You know what?” I tell her “Don’t bother, I was just about to leave.” 

 

I make my way out of the booth, and grab some lemon bars for Justin. I don’t think he ate last night; he’ll feel like shit when he gets up. Food is just the nourishment he needs. 

 

I’m back at the loft in no time. I slide the door open, and place the keys on the counter. I make my way to the fridge and grab myself a bottle of water. I look around to see if he’s by the couch watching TV. I don’t seem him, so he’s probably still asleep. I walk into the bedroom, where I see him curled up amid the bed sheet and the blanket. I don’t know how he does it, but some how he manages to tangle himself with the entire bedspread. Every morning I wake up to the cold air, because he has taken the entire blanket along with him. 

 

I nod my head in amusement, and stare at his sleeping form. His stomach is exposed, and I’m tempted to trail my hand through it. I make my way to the edge of the bed, kneel down and just watch him. His mouth is partially open; he’s so still that one may think he’s stopped breathing. I bring my hand to his nose, just to be sure, to see if I feel him inhale and exhale of air. I feel it tickle the small hair on my figures. I bring my hand to his stomach and caress it up and down; his skin is smooth to my touch. I continue, trying to see if he reacts to the contact. I could do this forever. 

 

Surprisingly he does not. 

 

 

I move my hand further south as I bring it over his cock to find it’s hard. I start stroking him slowly, gently moving up and down. He loves waking up like this. Me touching him in all the right places. I bring my lips to the back of his ear, just below his earlobe and start kissing there. It’s his sensitive spot, and he loves it just as much as he loves having sex. I lick the flesh right there, and then blow; he loves the tingly sensation it creates. 

 

I continue to work on his body, when I see him jolt up yelling, “Stop it” He kicks me with some force, and my body falls back, hitting the hard floor. 

 

He says it again “Stop it!” 

 

I move away, I don’t know if he’s dreaming or awake. I shake him trying to make him aware of his surrounding. 

 

He’s alert now, he looks around as though he is not supposed to be here, I’m sure it was a dream cause he seems misplaced at first, trying to remember why exactly he reacted that way. 

 

He sees me and immediately clings on, bringing his hands around my shoulders. He is holding on so tight I can’t breath, but I don’t say a word. 

 

“Brian I don’t feel so good, I need to go to the bathroom.” he starts to get up, he’s a bit wobbly at first, so I hold on to his arm. 

 

I ask him if he has eaten anything, he nods his head. 

 

“No I didn’t feel like eating anything.” 

 

He makes his way into the bathroom. I stay outside. I hear him throw up, and I hastily make my way to him. He’s on the floor, his head in the commode. I lean down next to him, and bring my hand to the back of his neck, gently massaging it. He continues to throw up for a good minute. I don’t know why this is happening, I don’t know if I should take him to the doctors or not. I feel helpless. 

 

I ask him. “Justin should I call your mom? She may know what to do, you may need to see a doctor. You don’t look so good, maybe you should get checked. Did you take any pills, maybe you took something you were allergic to.” 

 

“No, No and No. I don’t want to go to the fucking doctor I’m fine. I just feel a little sick, it’s probably nothing.” 

 

I lift him up and bring him to the sink where he brushes his teeth, to get rid of the aftertaste. I wet a cloth with warm water and bring it to his face. I slowly rub his forehead, while he stares at himself in the mirror. He eyes fall on me. His stares can be so intense sometimes that it makes me uncomfortable, nervous, because I feel he’s looking at something that I can’t see. 

 

“I don’t want you to see me like this.” he says 

 

“Really, and why is that?” I give him a puzzled look, so he knows I think what he’s saying is stupid. 

 

“Because I’m disgusting,” he says that with his head falling down, he’s now staring at the floor. 

 

“That’s what you think.” 

 

“You’re lying, I’m a mess.” 

 

“Justin!! You’ve seen me at my worse moment, did you think I was disgusting then?” 

 

“No.” 

 

“Then what makes you say I think you’re disgusting?” 

 

I look at him attentively; there are dark circles around his eyes. Somehow they don’t foreshadow the blue orbits, they mesmerize me every time I look into them. His perfect lips are pale; they have lost their rosy tint. I’m sure things will be back soon enough. He just needs to rest. 

 

I bring him over to the kitchen and he sits on the chair. I take the lemon bars out of the bag and place them on a plate. I ask him to eat them. 

 

He says no; I ask him again, telling him, he looks weak, that he needs some nourishment. 

 

Before I can ask him again he yells, “Didn’t you fucking hear me the first time, I said NO!” 

 

I try to fight him to get him to eat. 

 

“Well you’re going to eat it.” 

 

“Fuck Brian, I said no, leave me alone.” 

 

“Not until you eat one.” 

 

“I said NO!” 

 

“Fine, be stubborn.” 

 

I make a note of his behaviour; he’s been having mood swings since yesterday. This is definitely unusual. 

 

He makes his way to the couch, grabbing a blanket along with him. He lies back against the couch, I watch him while pouring myself a glass of milk, which is not really for me; I am going to try to get him to eat one way or another. I make my way to the couch and lift his head, and then I seat myself behind him, he moves so I can make myself comfortable, he then brings his head to my shoulders. He’s watching some reality show. I could care less. I bring a piece of lemon bar to his lips; he doesn’t realize what I’m doing. He starts eating it piece by piece, it thrills me, I got him to eat. He gets through the entire bar. I then bring the glass to his lips; he starts drinking, then turns around and looks at me. He realizes he’d been eating from my hand unconsciously. I expect the worse, and imagine him throwing the glass from my hand. Instead, he leans forward and brings his lips to mine. I put the glass down, and bring both my hands to his face, pull his closer and kiss his with urgency. Our tongues find each other, wrestling for control. When we come up for air, I tell him about Deb’s party. He shows signs of excitement, but I know he’s not looking forward to it. 

 

We lay on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. I try to control myself from asking him once again what happened. I speculate if I should talk to his mother about it. I try to fight my mind to come up with one conclusion, but it’s hard. I wonder how long it will take until he finally tells me, cause there is no other way that I can help him. He has to be willing to talk, and I wonder if I will be ready for what ever it is he has to say.


	4. The Silence Within

Thanks Juliet, your the best.

* * *

Three days have passed and it seems he’s still lost in another world. He’s woken up every single night from nightmares, it’s putting a hold on both of our lives. It’s difficult for me to get any rest to go into work the next morning; and he’s too weak to even get out of bed. 

 

I am beginning to feel like this is something bigger than I had imagined, that I should be more worried. I crawl out from under the covers; I try the best I can to make it to the bathroom, eager to get under the cold shower so it will wake me up from my current state. There are tons of things to be done at Kinnetic, although some of them are things that I don’t particularly want to do, however I am running this business, and it’s success depends on the all the minor details whether they be interesting or boring. 

 

I stand under the shower and let the cold liquid fall over me, each drop pierces through my skin, the contact against my warm body sends shivers down my spine, but I’m assured it will keep me nice and refreshed for the rest of the day. 

 

I quickly wash myself and step out making my way to the sink. I look at my reflection in the mirror; noticing the heavy bags under my eyes. I know it’s probably from lack of sleep. I look through the cabinet, pulling out a bottle of cream, dabbing a bit of it under the swollen areas, the magic of this formula should take effect in a few hours. I excessively believe in these creams, their ability to rejuvenate the impossible of things. The transparent vile, efficient like a sticky adhesive shines against my face, in honesty I would do anything to stop myself from becoming a victim to time, to stay more or less the way I am. I’m grateful for cosmetic advancement, without it, I can’t even imagine what I would look like. 

 

I make my way into the kitchen, taking a quick glance at Justin; he’s still sleeping. I check through the refrigerator, take out an egg, and let it boil for a few minutes, when it’s done I unpeel the shell and let the slippery globe fall into a bowl, seasoning it with a bit of pepper and salt. I then remove a cup from the cupboard, placing it on the counter and walk straight for the vile coffee, the soothing black liquid never let’s me down, it’s sweetness to my veins. Filling my stomach rapidly and quickly getting on some clothes, I leave for Kinnetic. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

I make my way through the glass door, dropping my briefcase on the couch. I walk to the desk and see that Cynthia has left a trail of files scattered all over. There is no room for me to place anything else; I can’t see anything under the clutter. How the fuck am I going to get anything done with the mess. I’m assuming these are all things that have to be signed. I look through them for a while, turning through pages and pages of legal agreements. These are all deals we have closed with some of the top companies. Kinnetic is at its peak; we can’t close fast enough, before the next one comes walking through the door. 

 

Our stature has been set as one of the top advertising agency in Pittsburgh; we have clients coming from all over the country. They expect the finest and we deliver, with complete confidence. I begin to sign through papers, going through one file at a time; I know this will probably take me another hour. I buzz Cynthia in, warning to go through today’s schedule with her. I hear the door open and I look up expecting Cynthia, but instead I am greeted with Ted’s presence. 

 

“Are you Cynthia?” I say. 

 

“Clearly I’m not.” he replies while trying to balance another pile of files, that I am hoping are not for me. 

 

“Well where is she?” 

 

“I’m right here boss.” she comes storming through the door. 

 

“I’m going to have to leave early today, I have a dinner reservation with Deb. I could try to bail, but if I do she’ll have my balls, and she made that part pretty clear.” 

 

“I’m going to have to leave early too.” Ted interrupts. 

 

“What the fuck for?” I ask, my eyes skimming through the remainder of the files. 

 

“I’m invited to the dinner as well,” he says eagerly. 

 

“Right, well… Whatever just make sure everything that was supposed to be sent out today is done. Other than that I don’t have a problem.” I gesture them to leave. 

 

It’s been over 5 hours, I reach for the phone, and dial the house number, and I hear the phone ring and ring. Justin can’t possibly still be sleeping. I make a few more attempts, and then finally give up. I’m going to be leaving in an hour anyways, I’ll just go home and see what’s wrong. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

I slide the loft door open, and am greeted with a foul smell, it’s unrecognizable to me, I try to hold in my breath, but I can only suppress it for awhile, until it bursts out anxiously; I close the door and make my way into the kitchen. I walk around the counter, and hear a crunch sound. Looking down at my feet, I see pieces of glass scattered all over the floor. What the fuck happened here, I franticly, push the pieces aside with my shoe, and make my way to the bedroom. Justin’s sitting in the corner with a bed sheet wrapped tightly around him. 

 

“Justin, what happened?” I ask, slowly making my way towards him. 

 

He doesn’t answer me. I have no patience right now, I feel my temper rising, I will it to go away but right now it’s gotten to the point where I can’t manage myself. This has gone on long enough. 

 

“Justin!” I yell, it’s even louder than I had wanted it to come out. 

 

“JUSTIN, fucking answer me, I can’t do this shit anymore.” I’m yelling and pleading with him all at the same time. 

 

“Don’t yell.” he finally let’s a few words out, it’s comes out so softly that I almost dismissed it. 

 

“What did you say?” I ask 

 

“DON’T FUCKING YELL AT ME!” 

 

“I don’t want to yell, you’re making me yell, why don’t you talk to me?” 

 

“What happened out there, how did that glass break? Did you do it?” 

 

“I was trying to reach for it, but my hand was wet, it was all sweaty, it slipped… and.. I couldn’t catch it before it fell. ” 

 

“You’re fucking lying.” I tell him, knowing well enough that’s not what happened. 

 

“I’m not lying Brian, it slipped.” 

 

He seems so scared; I’m probably scaring him even more. 

 

“Listen we don’t have to go to Deb’s if you’re not feeling good.” I tell him, while cleaning up in the room. 

 

“No we’ll go, she planned this, everything’s prepared. I’m feeling fine now. I just have to take a shower.” 

 

“Fine.” I tell him, while making my way into the bathroom. 

 

I walk through the door, and see a puddle of vomit on the floor; I’m sure this is what I smelled earlier. The stench is so rancid I had to cover my nose with my shirt, while I took a cloth and attempted to clean up the place. While I do this, I see Justin standing by the door, looking at me, tears flowing form his eyes. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he says, looking down at the floor. 

 

I don’t say anything to him, and continue cleaning. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he says again, taking a few steps towards me. I continue to ignore him. 

 

I get the place cleaned, spray some air freshener all over; god knows I’ll need more of it. I turn around, and look at him, his eyes and nose are red, his cheeks blotchy. He looks so helpless, I just want to reach out and hug him, but I stop myself. I have to make him do this the hard way. If he’s going to be difficult with me, I’m going to do the same. 

 

“Go take a shower.” I tell him, throwing a towel his way. 

 

After 20 minutes, he is finally out. I’m already dressed, waiting for him. I sit on the couch and just lay my head back, getting a few minutes of rest. 

 

“I’m ready.” I hear him behind me. 

 

Turning around, I see him dressed in a pale yellow shirt, he probably bought this from his trip, I don’t remember him wearing this before, I do deny it, but the truth is I know of every outfit Justin owns, I pay attention to every little detail on him. I’ve seen him in all of them. Right now, this shirt is making him look even lighter than he is. He’s standing directly under one of the lights, and his hair is glistering, it amazes me how he can look so beautiful no matter what the circumstance. 

 

I stand up, pick up my jacket and we both make our way out of the loft. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

We finally arrive at Deb’s; she probably saw my car pull over, cause she’s standing by the door arms wide open waiting to squeeze the life out of Justin. I can tell he’s a little hesitant at first, but he gets out of the car, and starts walking up the stairs towards her. I shut the door, and look up, seeing him in a tight embrace, I wait back and watch, it’s been over a minute, and Deb still hasn’t let go. I move forward, wipe my feet on the mat, and let out a loud grunt. Her head instantly shoots up, she looks at me angrily, obviously still mad at me from a few days ago. I could care less at this point. 

 

The three of us make our way inside, everyone is already there, seated at the table, chatting away. They all stop when they see Justin walk in. One at a time they leave their spots to hug and kiss him. 

 

“Baby I’m so glad your back.” Emmett squeaks, while jumping crazily in the air, clapping his hands. 

 

I nod my head in embarrassment, for him. 

 

“Where have you been hiding? You have to tell me every fucking detail, pun intended.” he laughs. 

 

I look at Justin’s face and see he’s not smiling anymore, he has a blank stare. 

 

“Justin, we’re glad to have you back.” Lindsey says, reaching forward to kiss him. 

 

“Yeah we missed you.” Mel follows. 

 

They are all huddled around him; if they could get any closer, they would suffocate him. I can tell he’s trying his best to remain calm, his smile is so fake I can see rigth through it. The others don’t see this. 

 

“So sweetie, was it everything you expected?” Deb asks. 

 

“And more.” Ted interrupts. 

 

“It was great, I liked it a lot.” Justin replies, forcing the words out of his mouth. 

 

“Were all the men hot and muscular?” Emmett asks, excited like a child in a candy store. 

 

“There were plenty of men, a lot of muscle, but after a while it all began to look superficial.” 

 

“You would love it though Em.” Justin tell him smiling. 

 

“I know I would honey, all those men, for the taking, what will little old me do?” 

 

“I’m sure you’ll figure something out.” Ted says, glaring at Em’s crotch. 

 

“ Brian you’re awfully quiet, never thought I’d see the day.” Mel says, giving me a nasty glace. 

 

Linds must have told her everything that we spoke of the other day, about me not wanting Gus to be enrolled in a Catholic school. I don’t regret anything I said, I’m glad I got it out, now they know how I feel, maybe Lindsey will reconsider, take the time to think about what I said. 

 

“I’ll just let you do all the talking, seeing that you almost always have an opinion.” 

 

“Guys stop it, this day is for Justin, I don’t want to see the two of you arguing again, let’s be civilized.” Lindsey says, looking at Mel and then me. 

 

I look in front of me and see that Deb had already filled the table with her cooking. There is every possible food you can imagine. Where the hell does she think all this food’s going to go, this is fucking crazy, she cooked for an entire army. I lean my elbows on the table and place my head in my hand, rubbing at my temple.

She’s filling each of our plates for us, like we don’t have hands of our own. 

 

“Deb I’ll serve myself, I don’t want food for three.” I tell her, reaching for the plate in her hand. 

 

Justin’s sitting right beside me, his plate is in front of him, it’s filled to the brim, he would never say anything to Deb. He’s fumbling through the contents, taking little bites every now and then. I’m done in 15minutes, and see that he’s still got plenty left to finish. 

 

“Deb would you excuse me, I need to use the bathroom.” he says, slowly standing up. 

 

I watch him make his way up the stairs, I haven’t spoken to him all this time, and he hasn’t attempted to say a word. 

 

After a minute I excuse myself, and make my way up the stairs, not before I hear Ted say “You guys are going to do it in the bathroom,” I ignore him and continue to walk up, some how getting this feeling that something was wrong. I knock at the bathroom door, but he doesn’t answer, I knock it once more, and it sway opens, I look inside and see he’s not there. Walking up the stairs, I start looking through the rooms, I make my way to the corner, into Mikey’s room. Opening the door, I see him in the middle of the bed, curled up in a ball, he’s holding on to his legs, his head buried in between his knees. 

 

“Justin, were leaving.” I tell him, slowly tapping him. 

 

“No, we can’t leave, Deb will get upset.” 

 

“Fuck them all, you are not feeling good, were leaving, even if I have to drag you out of here. Now if you don’t want to make a scene you’ll listen to what I say.” 

 

“Ok” he says, slowly unwinding himself from his previous position. I’m surprised he gave up this easily. 

 

I walk down the stairs with him, and make him wait by the door. I walk towards the others and tell them Justin’s not feeling well. I’m glad that nobody questioned why, with the exception of Deb, but she drops it with one question. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Parking the car, I step out, I look back and see he’s still sitting in there. 

 

“Come on, get out.” I tell him. 

 

“Justin, get out.” 

 

“What the fuck is the matter now?” I say, getting frustrated by the second. 

 

“You want to know?” 

 

“Yes, tell me.” I say. 

 

“Why is it important for you to know?” he asks, stepping out of the car. 

 

“Look at the way you’re fucking acting, this is not normal, it’s fucked up.” I yell 

 

“FINE I’ll tell you, cause that’s all you care about.” he’s yelling back at me. 

 

“Do you want to know what happened to me, you want to know what he did to me?” 

 

“Who the fuck are you talking about? Who did what?” I ask, a bit confused. 

 

“I hate myself.” he says, and starts crying. It’s not the silent crying it’s loud, and clear. 

 

“Justin, would you fucking tell me?” I say walking towards him, a little more concerned. 

 

“I was raped Brian.” 

 

“HE RAPED ME!!” he yells. 

 

I find myself slowly blanking out, I can’t get anything out of my mouth, I just stand there, while he cries. 

 

“There you know my secret, it’s out in the open, now you know how filthy I am.” 

 

“Who did it?” I ask. 

 

“What does it matter?” 

 

“WHO DID IT?” I yell. 

 

I tell he’s a bit startled, cause he flinches, still crying. 

 

“Conner.” he whispers. 

 

“Fucking Rage.” I whisper. 

 

I keep my head towards the floor, not wanting to look at him; I don’t know if I can deal with this right now. 

 

“You hate me?” he says. 

 

I don’t answer him, I continue to look at the floor, I can feel the tears burn through my eyes, but they don’t flow out. 

 

I look up and see him walking away, he’s making his way to the street, I follow him. 

 

“Where do you think you’re going?” I ask, angry beyond my control. 

 

“I’ll go wherever the fuck I want Brian, you’re not my keeper, it’s clear you don’t care.” 

 

“Let’s go up upstairs.” I suggest, gesturing him to follow me. 

 

“No.” 

 

“Justin don’t argue with me.” 

 

“Leave me the FUCK ALONE!” 

 

“Why are you making a scene, the entire neighbourhood can hear you.” 

 

“Since when do you care, are you ashamed they are going to hear that the guy living with you got raped, are you afraid it will ruin your fucking reputation?” 

 

“Do you want to know how he did it, do you want to hear how I struggled?” he scream, his face is red and blotchy. 

 

“Shut the fuck up, you are messed up, you’re not making sense.” I say 

 

“Why should I shut up, you wanted to know, I’ll tell you every fucking detail.” 

 

“I don’t want to hear it.” I shout angrily. 

 

“You don’t care Brian…you don’t care.” he whispers crying once more. 

 

Before I can answer, he turns around and starts running down the street. 

 

“Justin, where the fuck are you going?” 

 

“JUSTIN!” I yell, I want to run after him, but my legs won’t allow me. A part of me is still stunned by this revelation; I try not to believe it, to think this is all a nightmare, but it’s too real to escape. I make my way up the stairs, slide the door open, walk to the fridge, pull out a tray of ice, fill a glass with Jim beam, and drown myself with the intoxicating liquor.


	5. The Silence Within

I know this took forever to get here, and i'm sorry. My wonderful beta (Juliet) did'nt complain when i failed to get this in sonner; your the best Mary. There's alot of flashback in this cp, and there will be a few more in future cp's, but not as long as this one. thank for the gret reviews.love all of ya's.

* * *

“Hey Mister, what are you doing?” I hear a man’s voice behind me; he must be close because I can hear the ruffles of his shirt getting louder and louder as he approaches me.

I turn around and see him standing by the door. He’s got on navy blue pants and a seemingly closely coloured shirt, it almost looks black from where I am sitting. 

“Um..Nothing, I was just taking a break, admiring the scenery.” I say, trying to keep my voice intact, not wanting to crack up, and give this guy a reason to think I’m crazy.

“Well, don’t sit on the ledge, there’s no railing for support; it’s pretty windy up here tonight and you could easily loose balance and fall.” He says, looking closely at me, probably thinking I’m a stupid drunk.

“I won’t, I was just about to leave.” Swinging my legs around, I jump off the ledge to show him I’m being serious. He looks at me for a second before he continues his questioning.

“Are you a resident of this building?” he asks, stepping a bit closer.

“U, yes, I’m visiting a friend.” I lie, trying to sound as believable as possible, but it’s difficult to do this when your mind refuses to reason with you. I’m not a liar, never have been good at it, I get caught as easily as possible. But right now I’m hoping he believes it. 

“We’re going to be closing this door in about an hour, so please make your way downstairs soon.”

“I will.” I say, giving him a brief smile.

He finally seems to be convinced, and makes his way out the door. Once he’s out of sight, I immediately take my previous position. Throwing my legs over the edge, while holding on to the bricks as tightly as I can. 

I feel my palms getting sweaty, the texture of the bricks are rough against them. I try to wipe them against my pants, but the liquid persists to inhabit my hands. The edges of my fingers are tapping against the hard surface, almost scraping my skin, but I can’t feel its effect.

I finally get the courage to look down, my eyes taking in the sight. Everything looks like flashes of lights continuing for miles and miles. I’m mesmerised by this encapsulated display of life from way up here. It almost takes my mind off the current situation, but it only lasts for a brief second before I am drawn back to reality.

I think about what I said to Brian, and the way he reacted. I guess a part of me expected what was going to happen, and the other part refused to reason with the entire situation. I tried, I really tried to keep it to myself, I knew it would have been best for everyone. I don’t want his or any one else’s sympathy, I can fucking handle this on my own. Why did he have to keep persisting; if only I could have kept my fucking mouth shut, this never would have happened.

‘How did things get this way?’ I think to myself, ‘Why did I let it get this way?’ I remember the exact moment, the exact second that ripped me apart, tearing my insides into a million pieces, making me feel worthless, and lonely.

Brett was throwing a party, a kind of a parting gift to all those who had worked endless hours on the project just to have it taken away. I attended the damn thing despite my bleary mood; it was the last feature of my pathetic trip to Hollywood that left me with nothing but more pain. 

~~~~~~~~~~~  
*flashback*

“Justin.” I hear Connor’s voice calling from behind.

He’s approaching me, walking in slow strides making everyone aware of his presence; he’s always been one for attention, grabbing it every chance he gets. I carefully look at his attire; the fabric is stylishly grabbing onto his body, exposing every inch and curve of his form. I find myself getting a hard on just looking at him. 

“Nice of you to join us, I was beginning to think you scurried off home,” he says while glancing at a guy at the other corner of the room, who outwardly seemed to be doing the same.

“I was actually,” I say a bit directly “ but I decided against it; this is the last time I’ll get to see everyone, so I thought why not, things couldn’t get any worse from here.”

I try to sound enthusiastic, even grateful that things went on for this long; but anyone in their right mind would be crushed to have everything that you thought you worked for fall apart, and it took less than a day for these rich pretentious assoles to pick it all up and move along, like Rage never even existed. It may have been just another project for them, but this was more than just that for me, it was my chance to display my work; it was the first real move I have ever made as an adult. It was going to open doors for me, teach me new skills to develop my existing ones, and here I stand at the farewell party, leaving everything behind, to go back right where I started.

“Yeah well!! I’m glad you’re here, always a pleasure to be in your company.” 

“Right, good to know you think so while you were cruising that guy right in front of me.” I utter, surprised at myself for being remotely jealous of the fact that his attention was drawn to someone else. 

“Come on, you can join in the fun.” he says puling me towards the guy.

“No, it’s ok, you can have him, I’ll find my own.” I firmly pull my hand from his, taking a second look at the guy, he’s got on a lime green shirt with stripes going through the middle, black pants tightly fitted to his ass. He seems a bit too cocky for my taste, definitely not worth my time. I glance their way one last time and turn to walk away, catching the last things Conner says to me.

“Whatever you want, but I’ll be coming for you later, save some of that energy for me.” He starts making his way to the other side, I see the guy who has a huge smile plastered on his face, he’s looking Conner up and down, seemingly pleased at what he’s managed to score today. Conner doesn’t waste any time, his hands are already making their way down the guy’s pants while he leads him upstairs.

I continue to walk around the place, politely greeting everyone, and taking an extra peek at some of the hottest men I have ever laid eyes on. I spot Brett by the bar; he’s embrace in what seems like a humorous conversation, because he’s almost choking on his drink with laughter. For a minute, I think against going over, I don’t want to seem as though I’m prying on their conversation, but before I can turn around Brett calls me.

“Justin, come over here, I want you to meet someone.”

I slowly drag my feet to where they stand, once beside Brett I look over the gentlemen in front of me. He’s tall, dressed for success, tanned, grey’s exposed at the roots. Looks to be around his fifties. I politely stretch my hand to greet him, he takes it in a firm handshake.

“Justin this is Gerald, he was the one who was going to take us there, but unfortunately things didn’t work out and he had to pull the plug. He really is disappointed, he admires the hard work you’ve put into it.” Brett says, while taking a slow gulp of the content in his glass.

“Justin I’m really sorry for how things turned out. I wish I could have done things to move it in the right direction, but I only have so much control. In the end it comes down to the larger public.” He says, while looking at me and then at Brett for some kind of consent. I look over and see Brett is nodding his head in approval.

“I agree, it’s sad it didn’t meet everyone’s expectations.” Brett replies trying to talk as loud as he can over the music.

“Excuse me,” I say, letting it out harshly.

“What?” Brett asks, looking at me with a frown, obviously taken aback by my tone.

“How exactly were you planning on moving it in the right direction, care to explain it to me cause I’m confused.”

“Justin, all I’m saying is that the content was a little explicit and raw for the general public, it would have been banned from most theatres.”

“So you’re saying if we removed the sexual content, it would have worked, that we could have moved on with the production?”

“Basically, but there were other elements wrong with it, it was just not ready for the big screen. You have to understand we were dealing with a lot of money, we couldn’t afford to have a failure, it either worked or it didn’t, and in this case it didn’t.” Gerald says raising his eyebrows at me.

“Hmm, now I’m really confused, what the fuck are these elements, I thought the plot was pretty straight forward.” I didn’t mean to be rude, but this guy was just being unreasonable. He was not giving me direct answers, he was being vague, and it was just frustrating me. 

“If you’d like me to be honest I will, but please don’t take this the wrong way. The public will take this film and abuse it; we would receive tremendous amount of controversy that we are not ready to tackle. No matter how many people are acceptant of gay themed movies branching out into mainstream there are countless others who oppose it, and this one in particular was vivid in every aspect, we would have to do a lot of editing to make it seem as customary as possible.”

“CUSTOMARY, what the fuck is it you’re trying to say? That we don’t have a right to branch out like everyone else, that we have to wait for acceptance? Why is it that we have to wait to get any one’s approval, we worked our asses off on this project, and it was all taken away because it wasn’t customary.” I am furious right now, and I’m sure my face is as red as it can get.

I am yelling at this point, and could care less what a scene I’m making. I can see that people have started to gather around us, taking in the fucking show like it’s a circus. Why can’t everyone just mind their own fucking business. I am enraged to the point where there’s no turning back, I have to let it all out now, or it will eat at me for the entirety of the day.

“Well I think it’s fucked, that your standing here in this room for the farewell party and you don’t show an ounce of disappointment. Seems to me you didn’t put up a fight for us. You just gave into their rotten minds; drawn into their homophobic world. I fucking give up.” I say bringing my hands to his face, to stop him form saying anything else, trying to make my frustration as obvious as possible.

“Justin, calm down, get yourself a drink, you’re tensing up for no reason.” Brett says, handing me a glass of vodka tonic. I take it from him and gulp it down in two quick tosses, immediately getting myself another one. I walk away from Gerald and Brett, not waning to get any angrier than I already was. I walk to the couch and seat myself; looking to the side, I see a couple of guys making out, they catch me watching them, giving me a huge smile they gesture me to come their way. I have an obvious frown on my face which they seem to detect, as I edge away not wanting myself to be dragged into this orgy. 

I take a few more shots before I find myself feeling trapped, and alone. I suddenly realize I don’t really know anyone out here, they were all in it for the money, they never truly wanted to be part of the real story, and they had no passion for it. Ben was right they would end up wanting to change the entire plot, to take away the essence of the story; to not have the characters be gay. I suddenly feel home sick and have an impulsive urge to call Brian, I miss him, and I know he misses me too, despite him best effort to hide it. It was only that one time after his return from the supposed trip to Ibiza that he confessed he missed me, it was the first real, honest feeling he’s shared with me. Removing the cell phone form my pocket, I make my way to the patio, and dial the loft. It rings a few times before I am greeted by the answering machine. The message is short and firm “It’s Brian, I’m not here, leave a message.” Hanging up the phone, I attempt to call his cell, desperately hoping he’ll pick up.

A waiter walks by me with glasses of what I’m assuming is champagne I take one quickly and gulp it down, reaching for the next, but he moves away quickly. I still hear Brian’s cell ringing, there’s no answer, and it rings and rings until I get a second answering machine for the day. “I’m not here, I’m queer, leave a message,” I smile even though I have heard the same message countless times. He thinks he’s so bad. I lower my head in disappointment, I was really hoping to speak to him, to get some kind of comfort. Returning my cell phone back to my pocket, I look up and see Conner walking towards me; I’m glad he’s finally finished with that guy. I need someone to talk to; he’ll listen to me.

“So you waited for me?” he asks teasingly.

“I did.”

“Shall we go somewhere more private?” he asks, tugging at my shirt.

“Can we please talk, I’ve had a awful time thus far, I don’t feel up for anything else.”

“Are you sure, cause I know I can make it stand on command.” looking at his face, I see a huge smirk form.

“I’m sure, now if you want to listen, can we go up to one of the rooms?” I ask, already feeling the effect of the alcohol running through me, running up and down my system, interfering with my thoughts. I try to maintain my composure the best I can.

“Sure, whatever.” he says, while making his way out the patio and upstairs, I follow him, watching my step, not wanting to have a stupid reason such as alcohol to cause any kind of accident to occur.

Once were in the room, Conner walks over to the door and locks it, hanging up a do not disturb sign.

“That’s not necessary, you know.” I say, trying to keep my eyes open.

“What’s not important?”

“The do not disturb sign, we’ll be done in a few minutes…I…I just need someone to talk to, ya know?”

“Here why don’t you take off you shoes, and lay back on the bed, just relax, I’ll do everything for you.”

“No, I’m fine I can do it myself.” I say, leaning over clumsily to take my shoes off.

“Here try some of this, it will make you feel much better.” he hands me some kind of thin strip of paper, flatly filled with white power, he has so close to my face, that I almost sniffed some.

“No Conner, I’m fine, plus I don’t know what this is, I may have an allergic reaction to it.”

“Don’t fucking pussy out on me, try some, I know you’ll love it.” I can tell he’s just as wobbly as me, he shoves the sheet into my face once again, while I move my head to the side, trying to dodge it.

“NO, I said I don’t want any; how much of this did you have?” I ask, clearly noticing his behaviour drastically changing.

“You know, a bit here a bit there, now come on Justin, just try it.”

“NO!”

“Fine, then let’s get down to business, shall we?” he comes my way and pushes me back against the bed; I fall behind with some force over the soft mattress.

“What are you doing, I said I didn’t want to have sex, I want to talk.”

“Well I’m fucking done with talking, I want to have some fun, now come on help me get your clothes off.” I am struggling to keep his hands off me, realizing that Conner is much bigger than I am. I continue to force his hands away while trying to remain alert but the alcohol is hitting me hard, that I feel light-headed, and my vision is a bit blurry.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, get your fucking clothes off.” he’s already ripped my shirt off at this point, and is trying to undo my belt. Bringing my hands up to his face, I try to push him away, leaving a few scratch marks, but it seems he’s determined to get his way. I feel myself panicking even more by the second; I know he’ll have my pants off soon enough and there won’t be a thing I can do about it.

“Conner stop.” I say silently

“Shut up!” he yells

“Please stop.” I am pleading right now, feeling the tears roll down my face.

He’s managed to get my pants off, immediately moving to my underwear and ripping them off with one forceful pull. I have never seen this side of him. It’s terrifying. 

“Come on, tell me how you want it, do you want it hard and fast, you want it dry?”

“NO, please…please Conner, stop!”

“Get ready, here I come.” I can feel my legs move, I’m kicking them in all directions, but I can’t quite see anything clearly, I feel some pain against my neck; he must be holding on, to stop me from moving around. Both my arms are tightly held behind my head, he’s kissing the sides of my face, covering it with hot stinking saliva, while I try to move my head from side to side. I feel him hold my jaws aggressively as he bits on my lips, sucking the life out of them. The skin on the surface rips, a feeling I get in winter when my lips crack in the cold winter air, blood enters my mouth, it’s a taste I thought I left behind after the bashing, this pain I’ve never felt before. I try to spit at his face, but my mouth is entirely dry, and all I’m able to let out are puffs of air.

“Stop fucking squirming around, if you stay still this will be easier on the both of us; just like the other times we’ve had sex. Did you enjoy it then, well you’ll enjoy this even more.”

I let out a loud cry as I feel him enter me, whole, raw, without any kind of lubrication. I feel the walls on the inside burn as he slides his way in and out. He starts moving even more aggressively by the second making me yell in pain. I close my eyes and try to think of something else; I’ve given up trying to wrestle with him, I’ve lost all my energy, completely drained. I try to think of this as a dream, but it’s too real, the pain is too real to be a dream. My body jerks back and fourth as I bite down on my lips, the pain to strong to bear. I feel hot tears roll down my face in fast streams. I can’t even bring my arms up to wipe them away, cause he has them in a strong hold. I feel my entire body burning. 

I fought hard, I fought as hard as I could, but it was not good enough, and he continued to ram into me panting and sweating with each motion, his searing sweat rubbing against my body. 

“Don’t, Conner,” I manage to let out.

“Please.”

He brings one of his hands down to my dick, starts stroking it, he’s being rough, and I feel the body of my cock burn with every rub. I am screaming in pain screaming for him to stop, telling him he’s hurting me, but he continue and continues to push into me. Every now and then biting down on my shoulder and my lips.

After a gruesome hour he finally stops, my body is numb the entire time; I had somehow managed to zone out. He falls heavily on me, then removes himself. With one strong pull that leaves my hole burning. My face is hot and covered with dry tearstains. I slowly look over and see that he’s fallen asleep; temporarily relieved, I slowly edge out of the bed willing myself not to let out a sound at the menacing pain shooting through my body. Gathering my clothes from the floor, I make my way downstairs through all the people, dancing around, without a clue in the world, pass Brett. I don’t make eye contact with him, and am glad he doesn’t follow me. Quickly walking outside, I call for a cab making way to my hotel room.

Once I know I’m safely inside, I remove all my clothes and step into the shower. As the warm drops fall on me, I relax for a second, leaning my head against the wall. The temporary peace is immediately disrupted when I realize there’s a puddle of blood gathered at my feet. Looking down closely at my legs, I see the blood flowing in slow streaks, a bright murky red colour. Bringing my hand to my hole, I touch it, clenching at the pain, I feel a warm liquid inhibit my hands, it’s right at the entrance, bringing my hand to the front I see the extent of damage Conner has caused.

I stand under the shower for what seemed like hours, until I see the bleeding stop. Slowly stepping out of the shower, unable to move very fast, I wrap myself in a huge towel and lay down on the bed. My body instantaneously curling up into a fetus position astonished, afraid of what had just happened to me. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey!! Hey!!”

“What the hell are you doing? Get down.”

I am standing up on the ledge, my feet is a bit over the surface. I feel the strong wind beat against my face, cool, tingly, revitalizing. Closing my eyes, I think of all the great things that have happened to me. I think of the first night I met Brian, the way he approached me, the first night I spent with him; I think of Daphne, all our memories in high school; I think of my Mom, Molly, Gus, Deb, Vic, Emmet, Ted even Michael.

I imagine if I fall this instant, I’ll take all these wonderful memories with me, leaving all the ugly one’s behind. I’ll be free from this trap, free from the pain. Hoping to land anywhere than where I am right now, I would be trapped in a perfect world. 

“Hey!” the man yells again, he’s the same guy form earlier.

“Don’t come any closer.” I tell him.

“Don’t let me startle you, just slowly step away from there.”

“Listen, do you really want to do this. Look around you, there are more messed up things in this world than you can imagine. Do you think by killing yourself you can solve everything, I think you’re making a mistake. But if you feel that this will make you feel better than go ahead, do it.”

“SHUT UP!” I yell “Shut the fuck up, I know what you’re trying to do, I know all about reverse psychology, so you can keep that shit to yourself.”

“All I’m saying is that there are better ways to handle it, I’ve wanted to commit suicide once, almost went through with it. Had everything planned to the second, but then I thought to myself, by taking my life I’d be ruining the lives of those who love me, I’d be taking a part of them. Realizing my selfishness, I gave life a second chance, and I don’t regret the choice I made for a second.”

The man slowly starts stepping towards me, being cautious with every step, not sure of the sudden moves I might make.

“Do you have loved ones, a girlfriend maybe?” he asks

“Kind of, I have a boyfriend.” I reply, expecting him to walk away at the mention of my homosexuality and leave me to my plunging death, but surprisingly he doesn’t.

“Well then, don’t you think your boyfriend deserves better than this?”

“You don’t know him, you’d think differently if you did.”

“Whatever the case, I’m sure he cares for you, and is thinking about you this very instant. Why don’t you go talk to him, work it out together.”

“I don’t know…I don’t know what to fucking do.” I say silently.

“Come on give me your hand,” he says stretching them out to me.

I hesitate for a second before I take them and step down from the ledge. The man hugs me for a brief second before guiding me out the door and downstairs. He gets me a cab and promises not to speak of what happened tonight. As the cab pulls into the street making way to the loft I think of what the man told me, how I’m going to work this out with Brian, how I’m gonna have to learn to deal with this a better way.


End file.
